Like most people, I wonder if I’ll ever meet the one. Will we brush hands at the library? Will we be in some gender class and one day she very un-feministly passes me a note that says “You have a great ass.” What if the day were supposed to meet she trips on a slice of pineapple in the grocery store with a lit cigarette in her mouth and sets the adjacent pyramid of maxipads on aisle three on fire?! What then?! Most of the women I have been with have been pretty butch but I’m trying not to be such a hooker and value myself. Blah Blah Blah. I really like femmes (picture Drew Barrymore) I think another feminish girl would be better equipped to handle me. She would come to my house, the day I was supposed to be cleaning my closet but opted out to watch Chick flicks in my prom dress instead.  As she opened the door with her tray of coffee and muffins she would have to step over highheels, undies and pandas all over the floor until she found me in my orange crinolin puff crying over pretty woman.

“Baby, What’s wrong?!”

“Julia kissed Richard on the lips! WAAA!” 

“Awww! That’s beautiful!”

And there we would be, sobbing eating our muffin. I think the best relationship is the one where you can be bestfriends and just do silly crap together- Like go to the beach, make forts, go shopping, cook, watch tv, read to each other, steal each others shoes- I really like shoes. I want the kind of relationship that inspires me; the kind of woman that as a girlfriend loves me whole heartedly, wants to be with me, and doesn’t keep a list of what’s wrong with me because the little things are what makes her love me so much it makes her calm and ache for me at the same time. That being said.. I don’t think I am ready for this relationship right now.  But eventually, I want my bestfriend, my rhyme, my reason, to know how I take my coffee in the morning, and my favorite disney princess. I want her to come to my book signing and say ‘Darling, I love you.’