All I wanted was some Nutella, but I wound up role playing with Nancy Drew.
My new friend Dana from my Math class had come over to study synthetic division and let me draw her, when we began talking about relationships. Dana was sitting across from me in the hallway when I walked in with a blue Tool T-shirt and a big gulp larger than my hand. Her head was pointed down feverishly scribbling Sweeny Todd fan fiction in blue ink mixed along with algebraic equations. Dana had a haircut you’d see on a six year old girl- thick bangs and all even shoulder length blonde hair. She reminded me of Bettie Paige- the kind of classic 50’s beauty you no longer see in today’s society. Her lopsided bangs flopped to the side like a golden retriever as she beamed when I offered her half of my Nutella and M and M sandwich. Dana had transferred from an Evangelical college and was saving herself for marriage. She told me the bible says sex is a beautiful act that bounds a man and a woman in love. I giggled I loved to tie up guys with ropes and leather. Some men call me intense. Others call me insane. In the past year, I have had four boyfriends, and so many one night stands with guys that they no longer had names but titles- “The Guitarist On top of my Volvo guy” “The cocaine dealer guy” “The Publix Deli guy”, “The Therapy guy,” “The wiccan with six wives in another realm guy”. Partially, because men are assholes, but partially because I can never trust them with my heart and commit. The drive back to my house had been spent blasting Korn and chainsmoking out the window. Dana loved my Manic Panic Fire Engine Red hair and listening to my interesting love life. I handed Dana a wine glass of grape juice-because she didn’t drink-while she looked at my paintings of naked women. Then, Dana asked me if I had ever been with a woman before.
“Actually, I’m bisexual,” I said.
“Really? I’ve always wanted to try it- but I would never know how to go about it. I thought about placing an ad on craigs list.” For a moment, I thought about telling Dana I had a pink vibrating strap on dildo in my closet- but quickly decided against it and took a swig of my wine instead. I was sitting on my living room floor ranting to Dana about how sick I was of men, and meaningless casual sex, when Dana said:
I hadn’t been with a woman in a long time, and smiled.
“Come here, girl” I said. Dana got onto the floor on her knees timidly with her crazy bangs. I cupped her face, and kissed her, slowly at first, and then harder. I could taste her grape juice as I bit her bottom lip and my hands had wandered playfully behind her back, when I finally pulled away and Dana was bright pink.
“You’re blushing” I smirked.
“That was nice.” She seemed in a far off place. Then: “Did you undue my bra?”
“Yes” I laughed.
Dana took off her purple bra beaneath her shirt and threw it on my living room floor.
“I wore this bra the day we met. It’s a push up. I wanted to look good for you. ”
I’m always surprised when anyone is attracted to me, but this was just so bizzare! Not only did the woman play World of Warcraft, she sang in a god damn choir!
“I’m straight but could I bite your neck?” Dana said.
“Okay!” Our little straight girl was taking to this like a duck to water. Dana leaned over. Her fingers were cool as she swept my red hair to the side ate my neck like a peach. I sucked in air.
“Did I just make you moan?!” Dana said. She seemed so excited. As if she had just been casted in her Vacation Bible School play as the chipmunk who talked to jesus. She rubbed her hand on my thigh grinning. “What would happen if I touched your boobs?”
I laughed again removing my shirt while her mouth gaped open.
To be honest, I liked watching her reaction to touching me more than the touching itself. Watching her face light up when she squeezed my breasts- I felt like I was watching a child learn to read. Her lips would move, as if struggling to pronounce something, and then they would part in a smile. It was so innocent and adorable, I couldn’t help but laugh.
“What’s so funny?” Dana said.
“Could you.. um.. get naked, maybe? I’m straight. ”
“TOTALLY straight, Darling!” I snickered. “Let’s slow it down a little. What else do you want?”
“Could you dominate me like one of your guys?”
I straddled her lap and kissed her hard. Then, grabbing her hands and holding them up in the air, I listened to her breath quicken until she was panting inside my mouth and I slammed them up against a wall with a thud. Dana moaned.
“Did you like that, Baby?” I breathed in her ear and bit the lobe. She pulled me closer into a tight hug, while I sucked her neck.
“I don’t think I’m going to talk about this in therapy.” Dana said. Dana was a binge eater who wanted me to come to a meeting her therapist had told her about for support. I told her I had been seeing a therapist when she noticed a bottle of red and orange lithium on my counter for Bipolar disorder. She seemed so understanding listening to me talk about my moodswings, selfharm and my promiscuity in the car, and she shared with me she hated her weight and how she looked. I asked her if It was okay we ate dinner- knowing how hard eating can be and asked her to pick out what she wanted. She told me to pick, and we wound up eating Nutella and M and Ms on pumpernickel bread on my floor. I cupped Dana’s face and kissed her again.
“There is no way a number could ever tell you how beautiful you are.”
Dana’s periwinkle eyes began to sparkle, wet with tears. “Are you just saying that?”
“You’re gorgeous Darling” I kissed her on the nose. “Would you let me dye your hair?”
“Blue Black” I smiled.
“Well, I have church in the morning” Dana said hesitantly.
“I’ll let you see me naked.”
“Okay!” Dana said.
I got up off her and giggled. I dyed Dana’s hair seated naked Indian style on my bathroom floor. Dana rinsed her hair, then stood up to look in the mirror, squealing and clapping her hands with delight.
“You gave me a hickey!” I wrapped my arms around her from behind. “It’s like I’m a new me. A me that gets hickies from girls..” Dana began rambling about how great of a kisser I was while I went into my room. When I returned, I tied her wrists so tight with rope she winced. “You really went to town on my neck. Gosh this knot is tight.”
“I dated an eagle scout.” I giggled. “Get on my bed.”
“Yes sir! Do you want me to call you sir?”
“Get on my bed now!”
I guided her to my bed where Dana layed down laughing while I straddled her.
“If I go too far, let me know kay?” I said. I dove my underneath my floral comforter.
“Okaayy—What the fuck is that?! OH MY GOD! That tickles! Oh GOD! ”
I had placed ice on her nipple, and Dana was screaming. I popped my little red head up like a carnation, and untied her laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe.
Dana sat up and pulled me tight on her lap once more, my face pressed against her cheek. “I love holding you like this. I just want to protect you. I love you. ”
And then, all of a sudden, I began to cry. Don’t ask me why. Maybe it was just the intimacy of the situation. It was nice to be able to talk to someone about my feelings, my mental illness and be validated. I had kept a secret for so long. Most of my friends are guys, which makes talking about certain things difficult- and no- I don’t mean tampons. Or Maybe it was the fact that I hadn’t taken my meds in a week. Dana touched my face.
“Ashley, this is weird, but can I kiss your scars? I’ve wanted to all day.”
I nodded. The next morning, Dana was sitting on my couch mashing a sugarfree Klondike bar with marshmellows, rainbow sprinkles and more icecream. I walked straight passed her to the bathroom where I locked the door and cut myself until I started to cry. Dana began to knock madly.
Ashley, open the door right now.
I couldn’t stop.
I continued to cut myself.
Dana knocked harder screaming
Ashley open the fucking door!
I forced myself to stop by throwing the blades crying and opened the door. Blood covered my arm and dribbled from my elbow down to the base of my wrist.
Dana hugged me.
“It’s okay! You were just too strong this week. You’re safe with me. ”
There was a pool of blood dripping onto the bathroom floor. As I stood there, Dana dabbed a piece of toilet paper on a cut. A trail of blood marked the pathway from the bathroom to the couch where Dana layed me down. I grabbed a pair of scissors off the coffee table and Dana took them away from me. I was weeping and covering my eyes. Dana ran to the kitchen and grabbed a pink and green dishtowel off the stove then wrapped it around one of my arms like a tourniquet. I was crying and told her I hadn’t been taking my meds for a week. Dana applied pressure to the cloth, and began to cry too. Blood was staining the green brown. Dana removed the cloth, then patted the arm. There was blood on her shirt.
“It looks okay. I think you’re going to be okay. I was scared for a minute, but it looks better now. ” She moved the cloth and applied pressure to the next. I told her she didn’t need to do anything. I was fine.
“Shut up! I want to! I’m going to take your lithium and give you what you need for the weekend okay?”
She grabbed my box of bandaids and began to apply them. Sixty strips inside the box were placed on my arm. Dana kissed me on the mouth, quick, then cleaned the bathroom. She told me to remain lying down and watch tv. I figured after that, Dana had gotten her jollies and would never want to see my crazy ass again when she texted me hours later she wanted to lick Nutella off my boobs. The next Monday, I made her cookies and brought them to her in class. The professor noticed her hair and asked her about it. Dana looked over at me with hearts in her eyes.
“Ashley did it for me.”
Dana kissed me on the forehead and took the ziploch baggie.
“You make me melt. I’d say I’d give them to my roommates but I know I’m going to eat them all anyway.”
Dana kissed me on the forehead and we held hands walking to the library. “How are you doing?”
“I’m better now. I just wanted to say sorry-“
“Hey no apologies with me, remember?”
“I know yesterday was kind of crazy.”
“It’s in the past. It doesn’t exist anymore.”She looked at our fingers intertwined. “I like being your Darling.”
“You know, I think I may have some Nutella in my purse.”
Dana laughed. “Do you want to sit down for a little? You can sit on my lap again” She placed a strand of black hair behind her ear and her eyes shimmered like Amethyst beneath the fluorescent lighting.
“Okay. Let’s go to the third floor. I always wanted to have sex in the library. The third floor is always empty.”
Dana laughed so hard she snorted. “You’d have to be so quiet.”
“Exactly! Even more exciting!”
Dana placed her things on a leather couch near the window and patted her thighs. I sat down in some guy’s longsleeve shirt I found laying on my floor- the only long sleeve shirt I could find. Dana squeezed me tight and I kissed her.
“I missed you” I said.
“I missed you too. This week I have to practice for my Vacation Bible school skit.”
She nuzzled my cheek with her face.
“This is so new for me.” Dana whispered. “Prehaps we should create a mating call or codewords of some kind.”
“Wanna go make out in the racks?” I winked.
Dana looked around checking if the coast was clear. “Make a noise and I’ll come find you.”
Dana laughed. I skipped through HQ-HI like a fairy, pretending to read about the cold war.
“Ca caw ca caw!” Dana said from the Archetecture section and I burst into laughter. She appeared in my aisle where I grabbed her face and kissed her like Audrey Hepburn in a fifties movie. My red lipstick was all over her mouth.
“Sorry, I got my lipstick on you.”
“Being kind of gay is fun.” Dana said, wiping the smudge.
I keeled over laughing. “Isn’t it?”
“My hickey is still there you know.” She whispered, lifting a strand of hair and showing me the puffy red mark in the shape of west Virginia below her jaw. “I really like it. It’s like a stamp saying your mine.”
I opened a red book about soviet russia while a boy passed us.
“Do you like history?” I said.
“I do, I really like Victor-”
I kissed her once more, raising the book as a shield to cover our faces. Our wet mouths made a loud smack smack smack.
“I feel like batman, or a secret agent.” Dana whispered. I was getting a phone call and started walking towards the elevator. “Ashley, wait up! I’m coming!”
“Would you like to do something this week?” I said. I ignored the call and put my phone back into my bag. The silver doors closed.
I pushed the yellow button, as Dana swiped my hair to the side, and bit me on the neck.