Going to see a therapist was a relatively new experience for me. In the past three years, I’ve seen several lovely women with PHDs, but I never actually saw a real one with her own place.
My school counselors at FGCU (I’ve seen four) weren’t very good, and kicked me out two years ago for being too small, so I started speaking with a catholic woman. She was over the phone, which made talking easy, but also didn’t take insurance, and talked about jesus frequently. I then saw people at ACT a couple times. Then, I saw a witch who showed me her bra and told me to speak to my vagina and do a womb healing ritual. The thing is- I never see them for long. After I tell them what actually happened I’m too ashamed to go back, or I don’t have enough money, or I start crying how he was the only person who ever loved me and they tell me about boundaries.
I told this woman bluntly, I break all my dishes, write I’m a fat worthless whore on notebooks, cry, and then set them on fire about once every two weeks. Sometimes, I empty out the contents of my fridge on the floor, then drink a glass of wine and write poems to the fires glow. My friend Chris came over one night while I was crying and grabbed my boobs, literally stuck his hand up my shirt, so I popped him in the face repeatedly.
I write really great poems after I go ballistic. Of course, I wind up feeling like Sylvia Plath. I only sleep five hours a night, maybe more maybe less. In my relationships with women I feel dirty. In my relationships with men I feel detached and occasionally hit them. I have hit my boyfriend once when he pinned down my arms. He laughed at me. I don’t want to hit him again. I don’t think I can talk to him about this. I have immense mood swings, and don’t know who I am.
She thinks I have a mood disorder, which I have personally thought for quite sometime but whenever I brought it up in CAPS, they just shrugged it off.
"Bipolar disorder is like diabetes. It’s almost being written out of the DSM entirely and being treated as a medical condition."
Bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder have a lot of the things I have been going through my entire life- the promiscuity, the reckless driving, the spending, the eating disorders, the self destruction, the deep depression, the anger, the outbursts- it’s a bit too spot on. The difference is the period of time the mood swings last. She wants me to take a test next week when I see her. My parents said “You can see them once a month if you feel like you need it” but this lady wants to see me once a week for at least a year and a half. I don’t think they understand. The thing I’m worried about is being placed on drugs. I know, clearly, I should be worried about the fire and the pieces of glass, but I really don’t want to be on drugs. They didn’t help. I feel insane. The good thing is, the woman specializes in trauma, and dealing with borderline personality and bipolar disorder, so If I have either of them, I have come to the right place. The bad news is if it’s bipolar I will probably be placed on lithium or some shit. I think she’s very nice, and she’s also less money than the witch who wanted me to speak to my vagina. I’m just scared of being placed on Meds.